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Words from a Toutured Soul.....

Oct. 1st, 2016 07:48 am ... being at the top of a list

I am back again. I know none of the people i used to follow are still here. It's for the best. I feel I am honestly much worse than I used to be.

One thing that has bothered me for most of my life, is that I don't feel like I am important to anyone. My mom always put me first, and of course my daughter. but beyond them and a few other people (2 at the most), I never really feel like I matter. That has driven more of my decisions than I care to admit. I don't Lead, I stay in the background. I mean, what's the point if I am not important, why jump out in front?

Plus, it hurts. I mean, you cannot be important to everyone that is in your life. That's impossible. But the ones that you feel matter the most don't seem to rank you high on their list at all. It tears at a person. It builds a foundation of doubt being the strongest thing in your mind. So when you fail at something, it feels like it was suppose to be this way. You keep your expectations low, not for protection, but out of normalcy.

With me, that has been going on for a long time. Decades. Like I said, my mom has never once made me feel this. My daughter either. But my wife, I MIGHT rank 6th on her list of important people. There is one person that has but me on something of a pedestal, but I feel like I don't deserve it. And I don't want to dump this, any of this on anyone honestly. I don't feel like i am important enough to ruin someone's day by pulling this shit out of my head on them.

So, here is sit, fighting the urge to have a drink or 5. Feeling hollowed out in my chest, and constantly close to tears. But, when you feel like you are unimportant, this is the status quo.

Not very good for my first post in almost a year.

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Dec. 28th, 2015 03:12 am I am still around

It took a lot of time to get back here. Hell, it took a lot of thinking as to why I would come back here. Then it kinda made sense... no one is here to hear the screams. Everyone has gone to greener pastures, so there is no one to annoy. While i do miss my LJ friends, I always felt i annoyed a lot of them. It's better if there is silence on the other end. For them, and for me.

Now for the update....

For the first time since 2008, i have a full-time permanent job. I have actually been there for over a year now. But, I find that some of the management is grating. How can someone work in IT and I, a simple grunt, know more than them?? It's OK though, as I can advance to a better position and I plan to.

I have all but given up on anything meaningful here, with the exception of raising my daughter. I started this journal the day before she was born, because I knew I would need a place to go. She is my all. One of the few things in this world that can make me smile when life gives me shit.

No change whatsoever. They are a mess, and they see no reason to fix what they do not believe is broken.

I have been seeing a shrink again for about 17 months. It's helpful, more than typing it out. Sometimes I need to talk it out, have a sounding board that will ask the questions I will not think of, or someone to just tell me I am not wrong in how i think, or that i am when i am wrong. While i do come out very emotional, once it subsides I feel better than when i went in.

December is a very hard month for me. It's the anniversary of my 1st daughter's passing. It's a lot to carry when you feel that you are responsible for the death of your child. You feel like everything that you have done that was even a little questionable is piling on top of you again, with the single most tragic/biggest mistake piled on top to hold t all down. All of that makes you think you do n't deserve to smile, to be happy. Hell, it even pushes me to the point where i don't think i deserve to live. And it's hard to fight that off, every single day for 3-4 weeks. People have gone crazy from less. And this is in addition to my every day stress. Work/Home/Family is heavy enough, but to add all of the rest to it is unbearable. And it's hard to ask for help, because you think you do not deserve it. Thankfully, it usually only lasts until a couple of days after Christmas, then i am bk to normal. I am just about there now.

Well, that's it for now. I will most likely start blogging here again regularly, as I need someplace for my thoughts to go when i am not seeing my Dr. Someplace to type it all out.

Current Mood: depresseddepressed

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Sep. 26th, 2007 12:03 am What Do You Have To Say? - Extreme Sports: I've Tried It

What's the most extreme sport that you've tried?

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Jul. 27th, 2007 11:40 pm Trying to help a friend..

Tomorrow is Blogathon. Please help out by pledging for my dear friend aurora_lamour. She's blogging every 30 mins for a straight 24 hrs. Her cause is The National Alliance for Mental Illness.

Current Location: home workstation
Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: sounds from tv on monitor 2

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Jun. 17th, 2007 08:24 pm Fathers Day....

You would think that I would look at this day and be a little happy. Happy that I am able to celebrate this day being a father, being able to say "I knew my dad and loved him", but c'mon. This is me we are talking about here.

Fathers Day is a special day for me. I have my little loud ass angel that allows me to celebrate this day. But, I have my first angel, the one that's not here with me save for in spirit. My first daughter Jocelyn, passed on at 10 months old in Dec. 1999. My father joined her in Sept. 2001. So with that always weighing on me, my feelings about Fathers Day is that I don't hate it or love it. I just wish I had some peace and quiet in all of it.

For those that wished me a Happy Fathers Day, Thank You all. And Happy Fathers Day to all of you as well.

Going back to enjoy my solitude, at least until the lil firecracker comes running in. Later.

Current Location: couch, watchcing Fit Club Marathon
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: hyper 4 yr old

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Jun. 14th, 2007 08:01 pm So sick and tired of being so sick and tired....


That's the only question that i could come up with. At the end of the day, when all of your successes and failures come at you all at once. Every low moment, every peak. You look back at the day and questions should appear in your mind's eye. Normally, it's "how can i repeat this great day" or "how can I keep today from happening again" or "I wonder what tomorrow will be like". Any of those are good. But me, I have to come up with the tough one...

"Why do I even try to cope with this bullshit"

It's the only one I could honestly ask myself. Anything else would be utter bullshit and I don't really need anymore of that.

Needless to say, work was a mean-spirited bitch today. Got to the point where my anxiety was starting to bother me. Constant chest pain is not fun, and that's at 10AM. Didn't stop till about an hour ago. I wanted so bad to just come home and crawl into bed, but I know that wouldn't have worked too well. I wouldn't have went to sleep, been up all night, and been even worse tomorrow. I need that less than what I am going through right now.

So I know at least one of you is thinking "why are you posting so much?" (Trust me, I know you aren't, but humor me for a sec.), as I post about once a month, usually less. Well I need an outlet. I need to get some of the pressure that is constantly on me off my shoulders. Can't do it anywhere else, as I don't trust people like that. So here i am. I don't think I'll be posting everyday, but who knows. Hell, not like i have anything else better to do.

And with that, I'm gone. Take Care.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: George Michael - Freedom 90

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Jun. 12th, 2007 09:51 pm I'm only doing this because Aurora tricked me into it.... grrrrrrr

Not like anyone is gonna answer, but hell I'm bored, so screw it...

Would you.....

1. give me your number?
2. let me hug you anytime I wanted to?
3. let me kiss you?
4. watch a movie with me...even a really sappy one?
5. let me take you out to dinner?
6. drive me somewhere/anywhere?
7. take a shower with me?
8. have a fling with me?
9. listen to me if I called you crying even if you were out with all of your friends?
10. buy me a drink if I didnt have money?
11. take me home for the night?
12. let me sleep in your bed?
13. sing karaoke w/ me?
14. sit in the doctors office with me because I didn't want to go alone?
15. Strip for me?
16. come pick me up at 3am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?
17. cry if I died?
18. dance with me?
19. sing happy birthday to me?
20. take advantage of me if I was drunk?
21. re-post this for me to answer your questions?

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Dec. 31st, 2006 02:28 pm 2006 is finally over....

In a way I am thrilled that this year is over. a lot of rough stuff happened in 2006. But I have began to look at things a little differently lately. We think that because the year changes, things are suppose to change with it. Our fortune, our routines, our lives. Here's the thing....
They will change anyway, regardless of what year it is or will be, because nothing is destined to stay the same forever. The universe isn't made that way. Things change, be it 2006, 2007 or 2107. They will change. Looking at a new year for changes is like looking at a pool of water in the middle of a rainstorm. You are waiting for it to change because of some huge event, like the storm. It will change whether it rains or not.
I am not all that optimistic about the near-future, or the distant future for that matter. I don't know how to look at things and see ahead to where i want to be or what i want to do. I am taking it all one day into the next, slowly. My depression has slowed down a little, so i am able to function and make critical decisions for now. But then I also have been off my meds for weeks. I am still scared to take them for fear that i may go back into that place that almost made me kill myself. For now, until I get in to see my therapist I will just work on things as they come.
Tonight, the mrs wants to throw a party. Personally I had no plans of doing anything for New Years Eve but sleeping after the clock struck 12, but she wants this and it is her b-day tomorrow, so I say let her have her fun. I was gonna go out to a party, as I didn't want to be bothered with all of this, but she specifically requested that I stay and attend the party. So here i am, about to start the final cleaning for the party.
Finally, for those that look to the new year for hope and new things, I won't say they won't come, but i will say it doesn't take a new year to get them. But if thinking that gets you through the day then i say run with it.
Happy New Year everyone. Be safe and don't get too drunk.


Current Location: Home
Current Mood: tiredtired

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Nov. 24th, 2006 04:56 pm Oh yeah, forgot to say....

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!

Yeah I'm late, but you are all prob still eating turkey anyway. :-P

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Nov. 24th, 2006 04:47 pm Evn on the good days I am emotional...

I have been trying to take it easy the last few days, as it's been one hell of a month. So I do what i always do and forgo the "tradition" of going to my family's house and having Thanksgiving dinner with them. In fact, I don't think I've sat down with them on Thanksgiving since dad was still alive. something to ponder later. Anyway, I let the mrs go and make the rounds to her and my relatives (besides, I ransomed kayla to my mom for a sweet potato pie. don't judge till you've tasted it, i will kill for one of them). I am using the time she is away not to dwell on the things that bother, but rather to just focus on the quiet. she's also gone today as well, so that's 2 days of peace for me in a row.
Usually my mind wanders through random incidents in my life that I regret in some way, but this time my mind is calm. I'm not complaining one bit, because it's the calm I so desperately strive for every day. I don't really know how long it will last, but I am enjoying every second of it.
I figured that since i have time to kill, I would watch a movie. I used to be able to tell you the year a movie came out, the 2 lead actors, the plot and how many stars Roger Ebert gave it. I kinda miss that little quirk about me. But i digress. Since I have so much stuff on the server that I haven't watched, I picked an Anime movie. Full Metal Alchemist: The Conqueror of Shambala. It's based on an Anime series. I loved the series and thought the ending for it was a little open-ended. The movie fixed all of that for me. It was actually kinda emotional for me. I almost cried, and i don't cry at anything on a screen easily. It was a good emotion though.I'm not used to that anymore. Most of the ones I feel hurt me in some way.
Overall, I am glad for the last 2 days. I hope that it continues, but I am not getting my hopes up.


Current Mood: contentcontent

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