|Dec. 28th, 2015 03:12 am I am still around|
It took a lot of time to get back here. Hell, it took a lot of thinking as to why I would come back here. Then it kinda made sense... no one is here to hear the screams. Everyone has gone to greener pastures, so there is no one to annoy. While i do miss my LJ friends, I always felt i annoyed a lot of them. It's better if there is silence on the other end. For them, and for me.
Now for the update....
For the first time since 2008, i have a full-time permanent job. I have actually been there for over a year now. But, I find that some of the management is grating. How can someone work in IT and I, a simple grunt, know more than them?? It's OK though, as I can advance to a better position and I plan to.
I have all but given up on anything meaningful here, with the exception of raising my daughter. I started this journal the day before she was born, because I knew I would need a place to go. She is my all. One of the few things in this world that can make me smile when life gives me shit.
No change whatsoever. They are a mess, and they see no reason to fix what they do not believe is broken.
I have been seeing a shrink again for about 17 months. It's helpful, more than typing it out. Sometimes I need to talk it out, have a sounding board that will ask the questions I will not think of, or someone to just tell me I am not wrong in how i think, or that i am when i am wrong. While i do come out very emotional, once it subsides I feel better than when i went in.
December is a very hard month for me. It's the anniversary of my 1st daughter's passing. It's a lot to carry when you feel that you are responsible for the death of your child. You feel like everything that you have done that was even a little questionable is piling on top of you again, with the single most tragic/biggest mistake piled on top to hold t all down. All of that makes you think you do n't deserve to smile, to be happy. Hell, it even pushes me to the point where i don't think i deserve to live. And it's hard to fight that off, every single day for 3-4 weeks. People have gone crazy from less. And this is in addition to my every day stress. Work/Home/Family is heavy enough, but to add all of the rest to it is unbearable. And it's hard to ask for help, because you think you do not deserve it. Thankfully, it usually only lasts until a couple of days after Christmas, then i am bk to normal. I am just about there now.
Well, that's it for now. I will most likely start blogging here again regularly, as I need someplace for my thoughts to go when i am not seeing my Dr. Someplace to type it all out.
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