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Words from a Toutured Soul.....

Nov. 8th, 2006 06:32 pm I know why I had the attack...

My therapist says that I should try to figure out the reason behind the attacks. That way I can better handle them. I don't know if knowing the reason for today's attack is gonna help me much.


I feel alone, nearly every single day. It used to be something that happened every once in a while, but now it seems like I can't shake it. And then i did the math. I have no one to talk to about this but my therapist, and her schedule is booked solid, I can't talk to my wife about it because she doesn't understand depression, much less isolation, can't talk to my friends about it as they are as clueless as the mrs, and my online friends are usually busy or dealing with their own problems so I don't wanna lay my issues on them. So all in all I see and understand why I feel this way and why i had the attack, it's the fixing it so i don't have another one because of it is the problem.

I don't know if i want to talk to new people. I don't know if i even want to leave the house most days. I am a hermit stuck inside of a mime trapped inside of an invisible box. It hurts that all i have left is LJ, because even here I am still isolated and alone. I am just getting the words out of my head. They will be here when i come back, the pain doesn't go away at all, so the attacks will go on.

A prison of my own design. They say that when you go to hell, they take your worst fear and make you live it out for an eternity. Loneliness for an eternity. Yeah, that's me.

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Nov. 8th, 2006 04:25 pm Don't know what to do...

So here I am at work, having a Panic Attack, trying to keep away from people until my emergency medicine kicks in or my day is over. At this point, I don't care which one comes first, I just wish both of them would hurry.

The attacks don't hurt, maybe a few sore muscles from them being tense, but otherwise no pain. They just make me feel vunerable and not in control of my own body.

I remember the worst one i ever had. After sitting in the house for 2 hrs in a corner crying, the mrs and gf (we were seperated) showed up and tried to get me to stop crying. I couldn't. when i did finally get up out of the corner, i lost the use of my legs. That has never happened before or since. I tried to stop them from calling 911, I fell out of the chair and blacked out until the perimedics arrived. They took me to the er and that's when i finally learned what was wrong with me. It wasn't my first ttack, but it was the worst ever.

That was back in 1999. That still scares me to this day. I am scared that I will lose control.

So here i am. The shaking is starting to slow down. And as you can see I can still type. I am holding it all in as best i can. I figured that this journal is all i have left to help me calm down, to throw my thoughts at. I don't know what else to do.

Well i am gonna go back to work and try to let my meds work. Take Care.

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Oct. 20th, 2006 08:22 pm Ummm, Hey.....

Hey everyone. It's been a while, hasn't it? March I think. Sorry, but in all honesty, it's hard to talk about myself in this LJ anymore. Most of the ppl that are on my friendslist have way more important things going on anyway. Good things and bad. Relocation, loss, reemergence. Somehow in my mind, they all overshadow depression. But I have a very low opinion of myself so it's nothing new to me.

Anyhow, I am ok, well as ok as i can be considering. Work is a lot easier to deal with. I can put on my "work face" now. My performance is "close to excellence" and i am "the best" at special projects. My director told me that recently and it made me feel like I am actually a part of the team there. In the more than 2 years since I got there, I haven't really gotten that from them, even after spearheading the Decorating contest and pulling off a win that even my own director couldn't do. So work has become a haven for me now. I don't even leave right away for home because I like work more than home now. That and the internet is faster lol.

Speaking of home.....


So I have been trying to work harder to repair my marriage, but as usual, I am the only one really working towards this goal. And now, on top of all of the BS that is par for the course, she things i am cheating. Going as far as getting an attitude with me over an LJ icon of a woman that is half naked. Ok, let's be real. I am the guy that has over 1,080 XXX movies on a server in the living room, and you choose to get pissy over a 100x100 icon??? I am calling BS on that one. Hell, I don't have the time, or the energy, or even the drive to leave the house for my customers, much less anyone else. I am not getting anything, here or on the side. What i am is getting, is to the end of my tolerance level. I am just really tired of it all, and if I can't change it, I will have to leave it. That's the bottom line.

More Updates......

I have been walking more in my daily routine, taking the long way home, getting off 2 stops later, walking to the end of the line to catch the bus home, etc. I figure if i can't workout, I can at least walk. It helps somewhat, just not in the way I wanted it to. But help is help, and i need all that i can get.

My drinking has slowed down to light beer and gin on special occasions (translation: I need gin to deal with my family for more than 45 mins). I barely go out with Raven anymore, but i am trying to change that. He's been my friend through all of my pain, even back in 1999, when shit was bleak he didn't turn his back on me. I feel I still owe him a lot for that. Hence why I give him a free PC every now and again. It's the least i can do. Not like he can't afford it, but it is a token of friendship.

So I am more of a hermit, on meds, and still feeling like shit. But I still have some friends that help me more than they know. A lot of them are here on LJ. And I have been paying attention to all of you. I know the ones who have moved and are making their lives better, i know the ones that have suffered a loss and my heart goes out to them. I know the ones that regardless of their drama they still push forward. I know the ones that have greater medical obstacles than i could imagine, and still do better at a day-to-day life than i do and i admire them for that. I have been here guys, but I am not my most favorite subject, and it's all I have to focus on.

I also made peace with a friend that I have been at odds with for nearly two years. Innocencelost, we are cool, and if you need me I am there. It will take a while for us to get back to the friendship we had, but it's not impossible.

Well, that's my time. I don't know when I will post again ppl. But I am here, and i am watching everyone on my friendlist. Just know i didn't leave. I am just sitting in the corner until I figure out what I did to be so miserable.

Take care everyone. I promise I will be back.

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Nov. 28th, 2005 01:16 pm

How is it possible to be so arrogant that you lose sight of everything around you. That you think just because you have things that no one else has (or wants in most cases) that it puts you above others. I don't think I'll ever understand that. And what makes it harder to comprehend is the fact that having that high a level of arrogance makes you think you have the right to down others (whether they deserve it or not), but no one has the right to cut you for being so arrogant, and yet blind. I think this mystery I'll take with me to my grave, because asking the person will not only get me a bullshit answer, but a really bad headache. No comments for this one, and I'll make it public. The fact that it's out of my brain is enough.

Current Mood: confusedconfused

Jan. 21st, 2005 03:44 am Cleaning Out My Closet.....

I decided to reopen this LJ for my writing only. There will be NO personal posts in this journal ever again. Also this will be the last public entry here as well. After 1-21-05, I am cutting a lot of people out of the Friend List for this journal. Recent events have showed me that muthafuckers will be just that and I have to adapt and move on as I always do. Life's a bitch, and the people you come across in it can be worse. But, that's how shit goes.

If you want to be added to the new LJ, comment and I'll add you.

Uninvited nosey bastards need not apply.

In any event, everyone take care.

Current Mood: Calm and Logical

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Sep. 17th, 2004 12:48 pm

Here goes.......

Leave a comment with your name if you want to know what I really think of you, and I’ll reply and tell you. No lies, all honesty.
Post it in your journal after I do yours so I can see the reverse.

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Aug. 13th, 2004 06:01 pm

The most dangerous drug dealers in the world....


Ok, so I finally got up and went to the ER wednesday morning. The pain had gotten in sync w/ my pulse, and every beat meant a jolt of pain. After a while the Doc calls me in and examines me. After he makes me do everything that could possibly aggravate the pain, he then tells me it's just a pulled muscle. They prescribed 3 different drugs, Mortin, Flexerall, and Vicotin. Now, motrin I have a tolerance for (been taking them since 8th grade for migraines), and i don't know about Flexerall, other than the commercials. So i go with the Vicotin.....


I took one wednesday nite, as I was still in pain. I haven't felt anything painful since. However, I was basically high for a good 18 hrs. Eyes were glassy, I could barely walk a str8 line. LAWD I still don't know how I made it to work on that shyt. That shyt makes Gin look like water. I'm thankful it finally wore off and I could see straight. But my back hasn't hurt since, no while I'll never thke it again, I am thankful for my pain being gone.

So now I'm gonna spend a quiet peaceful nite at home. Just me and that bottle of Gin staring at me .


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Apr. 14th, 2004 12:02 am

Ok, I got this from a friend, so I'm gonna try it. Probably won't get not one damn reply, but hey, can't say I didn't try.....

I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. ask me anything you want and i will answer it (I could very possibly lie though.) then, i want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

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Mar. 30th, 2004 12:39 am

For some reason or another I feel like watching "Falling Down" with Michael Douglas. I feel that at this point i can relate to his character. The way his character just snapped. He could'nt take it anymore.

So, no trip means no peace of mind, at least not that way. So I get to sit here and twiddle my thumbs at home for a solid week. I'll prob end up drunk every nite, and too restless to leave the bed till late afternoon. Nothing else to do. Pitiful, isn't it.

I'm beginning to think I actually do have a drinking problem. I have been drinking more this year and ever, and it's only 1/3 of the way over. So I may stop drinking altogether. It's not the best habit to have.

For the first time in a while I feel like smoking. I quit just after we buried my dad. I have done pretty damn good so far. I even work w/ a smoker. But whenever I'm under intense stress, really intense stress, I need to smoke. I was so tempted to buy a pack today. But I fought it off and went on. know all of this is getting to me now.

The drinking, the cravings for Newports, the on again/off again chest pains, it's all wearing me down. I'm tird of fighting. I just want to lay down and not have to fight every day anymore. I asked for that before, and even tried to make it happen a few times, but apparently my fight is'nt over yet. So I do'nt really have a choice do I.

Such is the law of the Universe.

Well, if anyone cares, I'm done bitching and moaning for a while. Ive done too much of it in here as of late anyway.

That's my time. Peace.

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Mar. 15th, 2004 12:37 am

Still got the sniffles, but my voice is back. YAY

Well, I sacrificed Alias and Sopranos for Wrestlemania XX. I have seen every Wrestlemania for 20 years now. It wasn't as good as it should have been, but wrestling hasn't been as good as it should be for a while. The matches were cluttered, rushed a little. They had almost 5 hrs, they could have taken a little more time.

The ones that were hyped a lot like Goldberg Vs. Brock Lesner, sucked Elephant dick. I mean, these are the 2 powerhouses of the WWE, and they can't pull off a good match??? Shyt like that makes me glad that Stone Cold was there to fix that shyt w/ a couple of Stone Cold Stunners for both of them.

Tag team matches....LAME.

Evening gown match.....women wrestling in boyshorts.....that perked me up a lot heh heh heh (Had to jump in front of the TV so I could get a good view).

Evolution Vs. Rock N Sock..... Lame return to the ring for Rock, even lamer return for Mick Foley, but I have to give it to Randy Orton (I hate that bastard) for executing the Best RKO in his ENTIRE CAREER. He'll never do it so smoothly or perfectly again, and I'm glad of that fact.

Undertaker Vs. Kane......ho hum. Taker won....again.

Eddie Gurrerro Vs. Kurt Angle....one of the best matches of the nite, till Eddie's shoe came off at the end lol.

Triple Threat Match for the Title Benoit Vs. HBK Vs. HHH....the saving grace of the nite. That was a damn good match, no sledgehammers, no chairs, a lot of Blood and Benoit FINALLY AFTER OVER 6 YEARS got the World title.

Ok, that's all for Wrestlemania XX. Nothing too special, but fun to watch nonetheless. There were other matches, but they aren't worth commenting on.

Well that's my time, I need some sleep. Later.

Current Mood: Blah

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